It is never too early to start talking to an adopted child about where they came from. These days most adopted children will have a “life story book”, details of where they were born, their background and their birth parents. But they will still rely on you for most of the answers, especially if they were adopted very young.

“Start as young as possible”, advises Patricia McGinty, a child placement consultant for the British Association for Adoption & Fostering (BAAF). “Pre-school is the ideal age [between 3 and 5]. We know from research that children introduced to the concept of adoption as young as toddlers learn to accept the term as fact much more easily.”

Susan Dronyk, a psychotherapist for the specialist therapy service www.understandadoption.co.uk , agrees. “Introduce the concept as early as you can and don't shut it away again,” she says. “You need to be clear and honest without telling them anything too disturbing. It is a balancing act, but you need to remember the alternative. I've seen so many people over the years who weren't told honestly, or at an early age, about their background and it can be devastating to find out later on.”

When Lucy asks about her origins, you should be encouraging and straightforward. McGinty suggests this approach: “I would say, 'You came out of another lady's tummy. Her name was, and give her name if you know it, and she was unable to look after you'. You could add, 'She tried very hard to look after you and loved you very much. We wanted a child of our own and so you came to live with us. We were so happy, we had a special party'.” You can also add that just because she's adopted doesn't mean that she is any less loved than a child who is with her birth parents.

At this point, don't feel that you have to offer too many facts. What's more crucial is conveying a sense that you feel relaxed talking to her, that her adoption isn't an awkward or taboo issue. McGinty says: “If you're not at ease with your child's background or your role as an adoptive parent, he or she will pick up on that. Before you start explaining anything, you need to come to terms with how you feel.” A parent who feels comfortable and accepting about his or her child's adoption will help the child to feel comfortable and accepting too.

Times recommends

• Psst! It’s so easy to spy on the wife
• News Review interview: Sheryl Gascoigne
• Scientists discover true love