Ann Treneman: Parliamentary Sketch
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The leader of the free world came before us yesterday and, lo, he was invincible. He was supremely confident, brazenly all-knowing, right about everything. He went to Washington as Gordon Brown and returned as Goliath. Surely someone should alert passport control. I’m not sure what he’s on – monetary steroids, fiscal Viagra? – but it might be illegal. I do not think that I have ever seen him quite so full of himself. It was impressive but also slightly worrying, in the same way that you can’t help but feel it’s all a bit freaky when you see a muscle-bound Mr Universe type flexing one of those biceps that looks like someone has sewn a football into his upper arm.
Every Goliath has to have his David and so it was. David (now called Dave, obviously) was there, on the opposition front bench with his slingshot. He and his little friend Boy George watched warily as Goliath told us about his G20 summit. Dave put a stone in his slingshot. He criticised Goliath for insisting that our economic woes began elsewhere. “He’s said it started in America so many times it’s starting to sound ridiculous,” he sniped as Goliath pulled his face into a grimace.
Dave kept on dancing. “Isn’t it the case that Labour’s borrowing bombshell will soon become a tax bombshell?” he said. “Everyone knows you are planning a Christmas tax giveaway but tax cuts should be for life, not just for Christmas.”
Dave’s crowd cheered but it must be said that Dave’s words carried no power. It was as if, in his slingshot, he had not a stone but a dandelion puffball that, when fired, just evaporated into feathery nothings. Goliath did not even have to use his shield (for his chest is bionic now). He got out his great clunking fist and slugged away. Dave was a ditherer, a hypocrite and an ignoramus. Dave doesn’t even know what the problems are (this year inflation, next year deflation), much less the solutions that, as everyone in the world except Dave knew (he actually said that), was monetary policy combined with fiscal action!
Goliath was giving all the Tories a good kicking now, shouting: “Wrong!” over and over again. Then, energised by his own incredible rightness, he pummelled away about how the Tories were not fit for opposition, unBritish, talked down the pound and had no respect for anyone, not even Mrs Thatcher. It was a mauling. I waited for Goliath to be struck by a fatal blow, for that is how the story should end, but I waited in vain.
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I'm with Jim in Leeds. These bailout packages will cause massive inflation and cause the collapse of the dollar and the pound.
You can't run an economy on debt. Especially not debt used to buy massive TV's and SUV's. We have nothing to show for it, and are therefore, shafted.
Daniel James, Lewes,
I find this article typifies the way the Westminster reporters are divorced from the realities of life and see Parliament as a bit of a wheeze. What is amusing about a man who destroys the economic well-being of thousands?
R Moore, Exeter, UK
R Grant, going on about the 10p tax is a non-starter these days. Everyone really understands that Brown has helped lower income families over the years. He made a mistake over 10p. but, by heavens, he's going to make up for it this Christmas with the low-income tax breaks.
Fred, London,
I just cannot believe that the man who still thinks the 10p ploy was a good idea and has generally made the UK economy unfit to face the Crunch is getting "points" for strutting his stuff on the World Stage and looking as if he is saving us from a Deep Depression. Poor education is perhaps why?
R Grant, Whitstable,
Too right - this guy is freaking me out.
Suddenly he's reinvented himself as Gordon the Fiscal Magician - no chance!
His policies and Labour are dangerous - I cringe at the thought of 18 more months of them.
Britain needs change like the USA - and like the USA, we need it NOW - YES WE DO!!!
Andrew, Northampton,
All very amusing Ann but have you noticed that Brown is going to spend like there's no tomorrow. This time around the IMF may not be able to bail us out.
Maybe it's inevitable that we will no longer be a 1st world country but should we at least fight to stop it?
Easier just to joke I guess.
John Goode, Welwyn Garden City, UK
Gordon is in danger of becoming history's economic snake oil merchant. If this borrow and spend policy fails (and it might) the UK could be left with massive debts, valueless bond market and a currency akin to the Zimbabwean dollar! The policy might work if the G20 act together! What are the odds?
rhadley, London, UK
Ann, while we're drawing biblical analogies can I suggest you're the blind man of Bethsaida. Yes, I'd rather witless toff Osbourne was replaced by the likes of Ken Clarke, but can't you see how Brown has ruined our economy? You're worshiping a false idol, though not one made of gold as it's all gone
James, Wokingham, UK
The currency is going to be the key thing. Britain is going to bitterly regret being so vehemently against the Euro because of the experience of black wednesday. I hope someone in charge in the UK can do something positive about the economy, because if the UK economy goes, Ireland's in big trouble
Paul, Carlow, Ireland
The world really has gone mad !!!
Giving Gordon Brown any plaudits for what he is doing for the economy is like celebrating the man who brings you a cup of water after he has just set fire to your house !!!
Dominic, Bedford,
As the mess we are in has shown, Brown's knowledge of finance and economics could comfortably fit on the back of a postage stamp.
It is always easy to puff yourself up when you are talking nonsense - indeed it is the only way you can get people to listen to you.
IanC, Stafford,
I wish the Tories could find a class act, they don't appear to have anyone with any gravitas. At a time where Labour are undoubtably weak and the Conservatives should be making hay, they look inexperienced and silly. Cameron is a blusterer and Osbourne is embarrassing.
Stephen North, Banbury, United Kingdom
What Brown needs is other countries to reflate and spend more, and more on our production. The idea that the UK can join this international effort to avert depression is laughable. The Saudis and Chinese said no to IMF funding so we have little to fall back on.
N Reed, London, UK
'The broad mass of a nation . . . will more easily fall victim to a big lie than a small one.' Adolf Hitler, Mein Kampf
Noel Falconer, COUIZA, France
McBroon has the great advantage of incumbency - but no talents or saving graces.
All journos must cringe at his public performances, including PMQs - forget Cameron and the Tories.
Anybody who refers to John Major's limited abilities must have a faulty memory - this guy is the pits!!
Padraig, Perth, Australia
The happy day may come a little bit sooner than you think,Mark
Have you not seen the polls! Dave will vanish along with George, probably to do an economics course, O level to start with and who will you turn to next. My five bob is going "William". The Come Back Kid.
Ted Hanley, leeds, uk
Wrong story. Brown is Samson who will bring down and destroy the temple and everyone in it when his time is up.
The Tories will inherit an economy in ruins.
Tricia, E Sussex, UK
I despair that anyone can still believe that Gordon Brown is the one to save the economy!
Nathalie, London, UK
I will tell you a fatal blow!
Brown! He said so much as Shadow C of E - his present position looks as mad as a hatters tea party!
Andrew Jones, huddersfield, west yorkshire
Ann you may criticise Cameron, but little by little the UK population is coming to realise just what a bad position Brown has got us into and it isn't just Cameron that has said it but the IMF, the OECD, the EU Commission and now the markets hence the pounds collapse. Why pretend otherwise.
jim, leeds, uk
This crisis has certainly not been the opposition's finest moment. However, that is largely due to G. Osborne's lack of expertise and experience. Cameron should replace him with an expert.
Peter, Liverpool, UK
gordon browns idea of debate is shouting louder than the other guy. during his year as prime minister has anybody actually heard him answer a single question at PMQs other than saying we wont take lessons from tories? he is driving our ecconomy down the toilet, at some point people have to see that.
will, grimsby, uk
Cameron and Osbourne - What an act they are proving to be...make me think of "A chumps at Oxford".
Laurel and Hardy would be proud of their remake of this, what political lightweights they really have proven to be.
brendan, Cary, NC, USA
@Mark - not if he keeps this standard of performance up, no.
Louise, Reading, UK
Hi!
The fatal blow comes in 2010!
Happy days are coming.
Mark, Ascot,